Saturday, January 23, 2010

Diary of a Demented Snow Shoveler

It’s been so gloomy here lately.  Seeing the sun has been a rarity.  I received this via email last year and may have shared this then thought it was worth sharing again. :)

It pretty much sums it up.  Enough already! and it’s only January!

Diary of a Demented Snow Shoveler

August 1

Moved to our new home in Northern Illinois.  It's so beautiful here.  The hills are picturesque.  I can hardly wait to see them covered in snow.  God's Country.  I love it!

October 14

Illinois is the most beautiful place on earth.  The leaves are turning all different colors.  I love the reds and oranges.

December 8, 6:00 PM

It started to snow. The first snow of the season.  The wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by
the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down
from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So
romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9  

We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic
sight! Can there be a more lovely place in
the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've
ever had! 
Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a
boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.
This afternoon the snowplow came along and
up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got
to shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 12

The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry-
we'll definitely have a white Christmas.  No snow on
Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much
snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see
snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such
a nice man, I'm so glad we have him as our neighbor.

December 14

Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The
temperature dropped to -20.  The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life!  The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't
realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling,
but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I just wish
I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15

20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4
Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2
extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants
a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think
that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16

Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in
the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like heck. The
wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very

December 17

Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go
anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to
pile on the blankets to stay warm. Nothing to do but
stare at the wife and try not to irritate each other. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but I sure won't admit it to her. Man, I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20

Electricity is back on, but had another 14 inches of
the white stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all
day. The dang snowplow came by twice. 
Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said
they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're
Called the only hardware store around to see about
buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have
another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob
says I have to shovel or the city will have it done
and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22

Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more
inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold,
it probably won't melt til August. Took me 45 minutes
to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I
had to pee. By the time I got undressed, peed
dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to
hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of
the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the
butthead is lying.

December 23

Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0.
The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house
this morning. What is she, nuts?!! 
Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She
says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24

6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke
the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I
ever catch the son of a gun who drives that snow
plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his **** and
beat him to death with my broken shovel. I'm certain he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the stinkin snowplow.

December 25

Merry stinking Christmas! 20 more inches of the crappin slop tonight - Snowed in.
The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. Man, I hate
the snow!
Then the snowplow driver had the audcity to come by asking for a donation.
I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife
says I have a bad attitude. She's such an idiot! I don't have a bad attitude!

If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one
more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26

Still snowed in. Why the heck did I ever move here? It
was all HER idea.
She's really getting on my nerves!

December 27

Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze;
plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he
only charged me $1,400 to replace my pipes!

December 28

Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. This woman is
driving me crazy!!!

December 29

10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or
it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever
heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30

Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now
he is suing me, not only for the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his butt. The wife went home to her mother.
Nine more inches predicted.

December 31

I set fire to what's left of the house. No more

January 8

Feel so good. I just love those little white pills
they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?


  1. That one made me laugh outloud. Too Cute!

  2. Very cute! Oh my, bring on the sunshine please :) -Tammy

  3. Too funny!

    When I saw the post title I thought there was a problem with the last guy that shoveled the porch & deck and you were after him! ;)

  4. Hi, Lori. Wow, that's just too much snow.

    Hey, you won my giveaway. Congrats! Please e-mail me asap with your address.